By Brett De Hoedt from Hootville
We were lucky to garner some expert tips from professional speaker, Brett, on the subject of presenting a reading or eulogy at a funeral.
“I am an emcee, speaker, presentation coach and former radio host so I take speaking very seriously.
The eulogy for my father Joe de Hoedt was the most important speech of my life. I had been developing it in my head for the months (years!) of his demise yet still found myself scribbling notes as I sat numbly in the church pew.
Public speaking is hard. Public speaking at a funeral? That’s next-level difficult but here you are, tasked with saying something meaningful while grief sits on your chest like a tonne of bricks. That’s just plain cruel.
Let’s get you through this with dignity, clarity, and maybe even a moment of unexpected lightness because funerals and eulogies matter like little else does.”
1. Speak from the Heart (But Plan It)
Yes, authenticity matters but so does structure. No one wants to hear you meander through an unscripted monologue while sobbing into a microphone.
Write your speech down. Bullet points if you must, a full script if you can. I don’t usually recommend this but your brain will thank you when emotions hit like a tidal wave mid-sentence.
You needn’t start at the beginning. Avoid the temptation to provide a chronological timeline of the dearly departed’s life from hatch to dispatch. Why not start with a story? Or your reaction to the news of their death? Or what people have been sharing with you about your loved one in the lead up to the funeral?
2. Keep It Short(ish)
Grief is exhausting. Funerals stretch on. Aim for five minutes, ten max. Say what needs to be said and wrap it up before people start shifting uncomfortably in their seats. Be sure to cross-check with other speakers to avoid repetition.
3. Tell a Story
People remember stories, not generic platitudes so share a moment that captures their essence. Small and specific stories or observations have a way of conveying something bigger and show that you knew the person intimately.
Here some prompts for you:
When I think of Jessica I think of…
What you may not know about Joshua is…
Perhaps Jacinta’s greatest triumph was when…
If she wasn’t a nurse I could see Andreas as…
The first day I met Lucio…
You’d be excused for thinking that Peter was….but…
4. Know Your Audience
Funerals bring together an odd mix of people – colleagues, childhood friends, that one cousin who turns up to everything and people with no connection to the deceased who are supporting their own loved ones. Be sure to explain things sufficiently so most people feel included most of the time. Inside jokes are best avoided. So too the types of stories usually told at bad wedding receptions. There is no excuse for airing of grievances or score settling.
You might wish to highlight a particular individual, group or family in the room and mention how much they meant to the deceased. “I’m so glad to see some of Margaret’s old colleagues from her time at City Hatters. She always said…
5. Don’t reinvent the person – just fill them out
Not everyone is a model human. Not everyone lives a big life. You have to strike a balance between reality and positivity.
You might find something that was a likable weakness. In my Father’s case this was his indecision. “Since I was 12, selling the family home was always a vague possibility. Of course the ‘family estate’ remains unsold but Dad tortured many local real estate agents for so long that several pre-deceased him.”
A gentle acknowledgement of human frailty is enough. “He got to enjoy his grandchildren in a way that his prodigious work ethic made impossible with his own children. Maybe if given the chance, he’d do things differently.”
“She walked softly and didn’t feel the need to preach her opinions to the world but she carried a huge amount of love for the small number of us who had the pleasure of knowing her. Her workplace was the home – and that was where she felt she needed to be for her family.”
Broaden people’s understanding of the person being celebrated.
Did they grow up somewhere else? Mention it.
If illness dominated someone’s later years make a point to highlight the happier, healthier times.
If they were single for their last decades, mention their first love!
6. Pause. Breathe. Cry if You Need To.
Speaking through tears is fine. People expect it. If you need to stop and collect yourself, do it. You’ll never have a more supportive audience. I certainly had some loooong pauses during my Dad’s eulogy and they were not for dramatic effect.
7. Finish Strong
Don’t fade out. End with a clear intention. A quote, a toast in their honour, a final recollection.
Don’t finish with any housekeeping or thankyous. If you must include this, incorporate it earlier, though never at the beginning.
I witnessed a heartbreaking eulogy that finished with the brother of the deceased finally telling his sister (who died in her thirties) that he loved her out loud.
I’ve seen long-withheld forgiveness being granted and hatchets buried but it needn’t be so dramatic.
I finished my eulogy by recollecting how Dad had taught me to ride a bicycle just across the road from the church and how his letting go of the bike with a final exhausted push reminded me of my situation in this moment, four decades later. He’d done everything he could for me, had nothing left to give and it was up to me to steer my own course under my own steam.
8. Practise – Yes, Even for a Funeral
Read it aloud. Preferably to a friend, your dog, or even just your reflection. The more you practise, the more your voice will know what to do when the moment comes. It will also desensitise you to the drama of the moment.
9. Accept That It Won’t Be Perfect
Tears will be shed, voices will waver and lines may be flubbed. Fear not – no one expects perfection. They expect sincerity, some insights or fond reflection and that’s exactly what you’ll deliver.
So go on. Speak, remember, celebrate. Don’t delegate this away – this really matters. Good luck. And breathe.
Brett de Hoedt is the proud son of Joe de Hoedt and runs Hootville Communications.
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