At Tomorrow Funerals our focus is on ‘Celebrations of Life.’ That’s why our celebrant partners are so important to us. Today we talk to our own Sydney Memorial Manager & Funeral Celebrant, Marie Alessi.
Marie is passionate about her work as a grief counsellor and celebrant.
Marie, what special skills do you have that make you a good funeral celebrant?
People highlight my compassion, which I believe comes from lived experience.
My first deep encounter with loss happened when my dad passed from cancer. I was 20. Nobody teaches you how to deal with grief. The worst part for me was the condolences line, closely followed by avoidance thereafter. I remember vividly hundreds of people lining up at my dad’s funeral to hug us all and to say the same sentence over and over again “My condolences!”. It became meaningless to me after only 10 declarations. It felt excruciating and confronting having to endure the entire line. And then, for about a year, nobody dared to talk to me. Nobody knew what to say.
I address topics like these directly with my clients. I make them aware of potential emotional stumbling blocks. I lovingly call it: “Holding space for my clients.” I become their invisible protection shield throughout the preparation and then the celebration of their Loved one’s life.
In terms of ceremony, I create celebrations that portray the zest for life, the happy memories, the connection. The focus stays on their essence, not on their death. It brings a lot of lightness into a usually rather heavy chapter. People do appreciate it and need it more than they might realise at the time.
What do you like about the idea of working with Tomorrow?
I love the alignment of our messages. When I first talked to Kate Morgan, the CoFounder of Tomorrow Funerals, we had an instant connection. We have so many parallels in our lives, it’s uncanny.
What stood out for me the most though, was the alignment of our values and messages in our businesses.
Quite frankly, the thought hadn’t even crossed my mind to ever become a Funeral Director. Yet when Kate told me about her motion of expanding their presence in NSW, I instantly knew it was for me to support that vision. A collaboration with Tomorrow Funerals was an easy and heartfelt yes for me!
What changes would you like to see in the funeral industry?
Death is no stranger to me. My husband passed suddenly when we were 45. Our sons were at the tender age of 10 and 8. The funeral business we chose was wonderful and caring – in the lead up to and during the ceremony.
But there is an absolute lack of ‘aftercare’. I would like to change that. People often fall into this emotional emptiness once the funeral, or the celebration of life, is done. There’s no more “to do lists” that keeps your mind occupied. That’s exactly when support is needed more than ever!
What advice would you give to a family who needs to organise a funeral?
I’d love for everyone to sit together at a table and talk about what matters to each of them. They are often surprised by what emotions or questions come up that they didn’t see coming.
I for one, avoided having a ‘condolences line’ at the Celebration of Life for my husband. I did it to protect our sons.
Trust your intuition – how do you feel when you first call a Funeral Business? Or when you first meet for a chat? Equally important: find someone who cares beyond the funeral arrangements! Feel free to ask them “What happens after the service is done?”
What’s one thing you wish every family knew?
There is so much more support than you would think. Allowing it in might feel tricky at first – so start at your own pace. Trust what you need. Too many people have got too many opinions, and they’re often not shy to share them. Find your boundaries. Set them. It’s ok to tell people that you need space. One of my favourite one-liners, (when in overwhelm) is “May I get back to you?”
What do you get out of being a memorial celebrant? Why do you do it?
I never thought I would enjoy the work as a Memorial Celebrant so much. I understand how bizarre this might sound without context. Yet my heart is filled with such pure contentment when I see the relief in my clients once they realise how differently a final farewell can be done.
I recently had a client say to me “I hadn’t expected the kind of compassion that you show.”
I feel like I am reliving my promise to my husband by sharing this gift with others – to create the happiest life possible. When I craft a service with our clients, I put my best efforts into focusing on the happy moments of the person’s life we are celebrating. There’s a little bit of magic that happens… that kind of magic that is needed for the start of a healing journey!
Which funeral are you most proud of? Why?
I had been contacted by a rather young widow from Austria. Her husband died when they were both in their early 30’s. It touched me deeply. I often get called when people die young.
She had been following the work that I do for a while, and asked me if I would arrange her husband’s funeral with her. She flew me to Austria, and we got to spend 4 days together. It was a deeply healing and sacred experience – for everyone involved!
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