Not sure what to say to someone who’s dealing with loss? It can feel near impossible to find the right words. Whether you’re worried about making things worse, reaching for platitudes and cliches because nothing else comes to mind, or accidentally hitting a nerve, that worry says something good about you: you want to be supportive and show real care. There’s no perfect line, but there are real ones. Here’s where to start.
Why The Right Words Feel So Hard
When someone dies, those left behind aren’t handed a guidebook full of the right things to say. Most of us rely on familiar phrases; “Sorry for your loss” or “There are no words” and we mean them sincerely. But grief can make even the warmest intentions feel hollow.
The truth is, most of us simply haven’t been given the tools to talk about death. It’s not a lack of care; it’s a lack of practice.
We understand. It’s confronting. But if you really want to make a difference and be supportive, it might be a good idea to think about ways that we can talk about death. The following phrases might be a good place to start:
“I have no idea how hard this must be for you, but I’m here whenever you want to talk, or if you need anything practical.”
“My favourite memory of (name) was that time when…”
“I honestly don’t know how to talk to you about this, so if I say the wrong thing, please, will you let me know?”
“This must be so awful. If you feel like talking about it, I’m here to listen.”
What To Say In The First Few Days
The first few days are a raw time, and a time to keep things simple. A short message sent the moment you hear will come across as more sincere than a long one after agonising over what to say.
“I just heard. I’m so sorry. Not expecting a reply, just wanted you to know I’m thinking of you.” No pressure to respond, so it’s safe to send straight away.
“I’m here. Whatever you need, whenever you need it.” Simple, and it doesn’t ask them to manage your feelings on top of their own.
If you’re seeing them in person, on the doorstep or on the phone, a hug (if it’s welcome) and “I’m so sorry” can say more than any sentence. You don’t need to fill the silence that follows.
What To Say Depending On Who They’ve Lost
No two relationships are the same, and you will need to consider the nuances between your loved one and the person that they’ve lost. With that said, we provide some templates below that people tend to find helpful.
If They’ve Lost A Parent
When someone loses a parent, their grief doesn’t really have an end date. Think open-ended: ‘Tell me more about your mum’ or ‘What was your dad like?’ gives them permission to continue processing into next week and maybe next year.
If They’ve Lost A Partner
When someone has lost a partner, they will experience a unique loneliness, as well as an unwelcome host of practical burdens. Focus on helping where you can, and remember to use their partner’s name.
“I’m thinking of you and [partner’s name] today.”
“You’ve been carrying so much. Let me take one thing off your plate this week, what would help?”
If They’ve Lost A Child
This is an incredibly delicate topic. Trying to console them or offer hope can come across callous. Gently signal that you are there for them and again, remember to use the lost child’s name.
“[Child’s name] mattered, and always will.”
“I’m not going anywhere. However long this takes.”
“Would you like to tell me about [child’s name]?”
If They’ve Lost A Sibling Or A Close Friend
This grief often goes unacknowledged, because the person isn’t seen as the “primary” mourner (even though it can be just as painful). Naming that can be the most useful thing you say.
“I understand that people are checking on the family, but I wanted to check on you too.”
“Your friendship with [name] mattered so much.”
What Not To Say
When someone is grieving, everything said to them is meant with love and care. For the most part, those grieving will appreciate any kind words and the intention behind them. However, there are certain phrases which can land with a thud instead of having the reassuring effect you’re aiming for, often because they rush someone toward comfort, meaning or perspective before they’re ready for any of it. Below, we explore some common phrases worth rethinking, and what you might say instead.
| Instead of | Try | Why it lands better |
| “At least they lived a long life” | “They were such a big part of your life.” | Minimising the loss, however kindly, tells someone their grief is out of proportion. |
| “They’re in a better place” | “I’m so sorry. This is awful.” | Assumes a belief they may not hold, and rushes them toward comfort they aren’t ready for. |
| “Everything happens for a reason” | “There’s no sense to be made of this.” | Asks them to find meaning in something that feels meaningless. |
| “Let me know if you need anything” | “I’m dropping dinner over Thursday — is that okay?” | Puts the work back on them at the moment they have the least capacity for it. |
| “How are you?” | “How are you today?” | Too big a question to answer honestly. The smaller version is one they can actually respond to. |
Listen More Than You Speak
Allow your friend to express their feelings without interruption or judgment. Active listening involves giving them space to share memories, fears, and emotions.
Avoid offering advice unless they ask for it. Often, the best thing you can do is simply witness their pain and acknowledge it.
Be Present, Even If You Don’t Know What To Say
You don’t need the right words. In fact, sometimes words just aren’t the point.
Grief is heavy, but it can be lightened by small, human moment like sitting together in silence, making a cup of tea, watching a film or taking a walk around the block.
You might say, “I don’t know what you need right now, but I’d love to come over and hang out for a bit. Would that be okay?”
Offer Specific Help, Not Just Sympathy
Grief makes everyday life feel overwhelming. While it’s common to say, “Let me know if you need anything”, this puts the burden back on your friend to figure out what to ask for.
Instead, offer something specific try these:
“I’m going to the supermarket. What can I bring you?”
“I’d like to drop dinner off one night this week? What night works best? Are you Ok with…?”
“I’d love to start a weekly walk, just us. What day would suit you?”
The more concrete the offer, the easier it is to accept.
Respect Their Way of Grieving
There’s no “normal” way to grieve. Some people want company, others need solitude. Some want to talk. Some want distraction. It’s important not to take it personally if your friend doesn’t respond right away, or seems different.
Keep showing up in small ways. A message, a note, a quiet gesture. That’s the kind of support that stays with someone.
What To Say Weeks And Months Later
Grief isn’t linear, but it often feels as though the world expects it to be. The flowers stop arriving. The casseroles stop turning up. Everyone else’s life moves on, while your friend’s grief is often just beginning to properly land.
This is when check-ins matter most, and when they’re rarest.
“It’s been three months since [name] passed. I’ve been thinking of you, how are you going, really?”
“I know today isn’t a big anniversary, but I remembered [name] and wanted you to know.”
“Do you feel like company this weekend, or maybe I just check in by message?”
A short text on a random Tuesday, weeks after everyone else has stopped asking, can mean more than anything said in the first week.
Gently Suggest Professional Support if Needed
If your friend seems overwhelmed or is struggling to cope day-to-day, you might gently suggest they speak with a grief counsellor or join a support group.
You don’t need to diagnose anything or push too hard – just let them know that there are options, and that seeking help is a strong, supportive step.
Frequently Asked Questions
Further Reading and Resources
Dealing with Sudden and Unexpected Deaths – Finding Support During a Challenging Time
Coping with Grief After Stillbirth or Neonatal Death – Angel Babies
Coping with Grief and Loss in NSW – 10 Local Resources to Help
Support for Grieving in Victoria
Continue Your Support Over Time
Grief doesn’t have a set timeline. While initial support is crucial, continued check-ins in the weeks and months following the loss show your ongoing care and commitment.
Final Thoughts
Supporting a grieving friend is about offering a compassionate presence, listening without judgment, and providing practical help.
Your empathy and patience can make such a difference. It’s rewarding knowing you’re helping, even if at times, it feels like it’s taking a long time. And best of all, going through a loss with a friend, is likely to deepen your friendship.
If you or someone you know needs additional support, please don’t hesitate to reach out to us at Tomorrow Funerals. We’re here to help you navigate the journey of grief with understanding and care.